Anxiety

The thing about anxiety is that if you listen closely to what’s really going on inside it is all driven by thoughts. “I can’t do this” and “I’m not ok and not safe”. I am building some muscle around being an observer to these thoughts and then to the experience that follows. The “experience” part is the one that grips me, really sucks me in and keeps me from seeing that I can pull myself out. it’s the yucky feeling in your body when you feel heavy, dirty, uneasy and powerless. When all else fails and you cannot do anything about the thoughts and feelings, if possible I have found that focusing on the bigger picture and acknowledging the whole experience as one of anxiety and do the opposite action to what you want to do can help. For example my anxiety wants me to always be around people and kept busy but If i spend a night at home by myself (and sit with the terror and anxiety) then it eventually fades away and creates a new space, one of serenity and new thoughts and feelings. The problem is getting through the anxiety enough to do these things. But when you do, you become renewed and a sense of wholeness emerges.


Experience.

There are many different ways to experience life and I feel like I’ve experienced a number of them. Maybe not all but at least some. There are the periods where you live in the moment followed by realising you were just living in the moment. Then there is living completely in your head, a million trillion miles away from the moment, and realising you are in no way connected to the moment. You also weren’t aware of this but now you are. You moved from unconscousness into awareness of the unconscousness, but still no where near consciousness. I love this shift because with it always comes new realisations about yourself, who you are, how you conduct yourself in life, how others respond to you, who you are being and what state of mind you are in. Next is the opportunity for change, my favourite part. The chance to choose consciously whether or not your present mental state is serving you. This is where you get power and get to choose your experience of life. Where you let go of the mental slavery and slip into the moment. 


Confusion

Today is not just another day. Today I stand still and look at my life. Look at the situations I have gotten myself into and am holding on to. Look at which relationships and circumstances are serving me and which aren’t. If I am miserable then I need to make new decisions. Make changes that create situations which serve me, not defeat me. If I am down I need to pick myself up off the ground. One problem; I don’t feel strong enough to do this, not today anyway. And then I question myself. Am I crazy? Am I just being petty and going in search of flaws? Am I genuinely not fulfilled and satisfied? How do I find out? How do I know?


Seeing your fav band live….

Seeing your fav band live….


The Skinny Dream

The Skinny Dream


Too many people buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t even know.

Smile at people… it makes them smile too.

Smile at people… it makes them smile too.


the future

my future.

I have dreams of being big. dreams of being being extraordinary. of making a huge different in this world and leaving my mark. dreams of falling in love and having 2 children. of making music that changes peoples lives. of owning a home on the beach and waking to nothing but the sound of the sea. of becoming an expert on the piano and guitar so every time my heart sings i can outwardly express it.

I have big dreams and I am scared that they won’t be fulfilled. That i will wake at 40 and not know how i got there and why i didnt do anything to stop it. If i get really honest with myself and take a good look im not sure that im heading in that direction. Some days are on track and other days I am doing everything (subconsciously) to make that dream never reach existence.

And I have moments where i think whats the point of it all, then moments when i think it will all fall into my lap, moment where i feel super motivated, and moments where I just can’t be bothered. But as each day goes by, thats another day I could be taking actions to living the life i want. And so i take a good look and ask myself… have i practised my instrunments today, did i exersize, did i stick to my budget, did i stand up for myself in a particular relationship, did i write a song, did i call a friend to say hello. 

Torn between wanting a great lift and wondering whether it will be that great or if im just living in fantasy and shouldnt waste my time.

This moment can fly away in seconds, into the distance, and then here comes another one before it flies away too.

The future is anything i want it to be, now i need to choose wisely.


Misery

I think that miserable people always look like they are sucking on a lemon, they always look down, are usually always rushing, and get upset when things don’t go to plan.


Take your pain and use it. Use it to drive you forward. use it as your ambilical cord. Many great things have come out of hurt, pain and failure. People have changed the world by using their anger and frustration. Born out of madness have people ended wars. Don’t supress your manic. Find your release through creativity and inspire the world. Your pain is colourful and paints the streets and everyone you meet. Let it out. Let people hold it. Use your rainbow to find gold and lead others to it. Allow yourself to be completely fucking nuts.